Hello everyone!

I'm really really sorry for dropping off of the face of the earth like that.

You see, around the end of September, the thing I had been dreading for ages finally happened-- I lost my beloved job of 2 years. I was devestated, and had no real urge to use the computer and knew from experience that I wasn't too pleasant to deal with when I'm in a mood like that anyways. I kept meaning to come on and update this thing, but somehow I kept finding an excuse to put it off, or I completely lost track of time. (Weeks just fly by when you are in a state like that.)

It's been a strange couple of weeks. I've ended up going onto unemployment, and accepting other types of government aid as well. My schedule got really messed up-- by the end of those weeks I was sleeping roughly 15 hours a day and only up at late night-- and all sorts of wacky things happened. Money was a big issue and I wasn't even able to make it home for Thanksgiving or for my niece's birth.

Things have gotten a bit better for me. I'm working on a temp job that just started last week. It's very short term, I'm only down for 3 weeks of work (though it might be extended to 5 or 6) but it's good to be out of the house again.

Currently I'm trying to diet and work out often again-- I really let myself go all those weeks of being home and it shows-- and struggling to fix my financial woes (I made a lot of bad spending decisions in my depressed and stressed state), and preparing for what I hope to be a great holiday season with my folks.

So here's a quickie version of what I've been doing (other than dodging bill collectors, moping, sleeping, and spending hours with various government agencies) these last few months.

A) I'm an aunt! On October 11th, my niece Annabelle was born to my little sister, Lauren, and her husband Sam. I'll be meeting her for the first time this Sunday and I'm very very excited. Though worried since apparently she's been sick lately and it seems to be related to some allergy in her diet.

B) I had my birthday on November 13th. It went pretty well-- compared to last year, especially (though given that on my last birthday I got suicidal and friends called 911 on me, I suppose it's fairly easy to top that!) and the celebration lasted about a week. My friends Greg and Angela really made sure I had a great time. Of course, being 29 is not all sunshine and flowers-- I really don't want to turn 30 next year. Too soon! TOO SOON!

C) I was able to get some gaming, movie watching, and reading in during my time at home. Games include Fallout 3, Little Big Planet (highly recommended!), Silent Hill 5, and the new Harvest Moon. Movies inluded a large portion of the recommended Asian horror movies (recommended via Snowblood Apple, a great review site for those who like such things), Riff Trax, and a few nice cult movies. And the books were all over the place-- though I did sort of go on a big horror/sci-fi kick. I re-read a lot of old favorites, and some new ones as well. Good times.

D) My favorite Internet radio station, Christmas in Frisko, made it's return and I resumed listening to it about 10 hours a day. Great stuff-- if you don't get offended easily! I got to say this though: I'd rather listen to the farting carols, quacking duck carols, or those damn barking dogs and meowing cats then listen to Christmas Shoes. God, that song is horrible.

And whew-- I think that's about it.

I'm going to make an effort to get back into the habit of updating my journal more often. But let me say, I really did miss you guys and thought of you often. For those of you who worried and tried to contact me-- Thank you very much, please know that that meant a lot to me.

Finally, for you kids back in Virginia-- I'm coming home on Sunday and will be in town for a full week. Please contact me if you wish to visit me during that time. I'd LOVE to see you. :)

Last night the cats managed to pop out the screen from my (very very cheap) window and Chiriko escaped. It's been over 12 hours since I've seen her and I'm keeping my eye on the window, awaiting her safe return.

Please please be okay, honey.

EDIT:

I went out to search for her and heard loud meowing, asking this group of children clustered at the end of a parking lot not far from my apartment if they had seen a cat, they pointed up onto a rooftop. Chiriko was up there and freaking out.

After two hours of fruitless attempts to climb the tree by the roof, ask people for help, ask the fire department for help, and other such things-- I lucked out as a Comcast installer came by with a ladder atop his truck. Though it was probably against company policy to do so, he set up his ladder and rescued my cat within minutes.

Chiriko's safe and sound and climbing on my desk right now.

Now hopefully work won't slaughter me for missing a day to deal with this mess.

Yeah, my last two entries were rather vague. Kind of the posting equivalent of screaming then not bothering to explain why, exactly, you were just screaming. My apologies to anyone I worried and my deepest thanks to everyone who contacted me to express your concern. I love you guys!

I've been... ah... having something of a relapse lately. To say the least.

No, wait, let me start from the top.

I had a really good period of time for over a month where I was happy, busy, and able to socialize pretty well. Man, it was great... really really great. Nothing like feeling good about yourself, I swear.

At the same time, my finances kind of dramatically blew up on my face, leaving me with about 10 debtor calls a day, close to eviction, and with barely any money to buy food... or train fare, toiletries, and the other stuff one really needs to feel like a normal human. I'm just praying the power stays on until I catch up.

And yes, I am very very ashamed and embarassed to admit this. It was all I could do to confess to my Mom about my situation last night. Boy, was that fun!

For a while, I handled it pretty well-- dazzled as I was by my current fandom. Fandom... it's really like falling in love sometimes. All the bad stuff just seems to fade.

But slowly things like 'AAAH, the phone is buzzing again!', 'If I want to eat actual food tonight I'm going to have to deliberately overdraft my account thus continuing this viscious cycle I'm in.', and 'Sorry I can't hang out with you guys, I have no cash. I'm going to stay at home alone tonight instead.' caught up with me.

At the same time, drama was happening at work-- both leaving me in constant fear of losing my job but also piling on many additional duties upon me with no training... and the threat of it continuing to get worse as the fall progresses.

On this matter, I'd rather not go into details at the moment.

Suffice to say, I'm not handling all of it so well now. Being stuck in this for over a month and knowing I have a month or two left can do that to you, I guess. It feels like it's never going to end. Ever.

So around Labor Day, the constant stress and occasional blips of anxiety and depression finally crystallized back into full scale depression/anxiety. You know the drill-- gagging fits, a stomach that always feels like I just chugged some hot sauce, the desire to sleep all day, lack of interest in things I liked before, no motivation to -do- anything, and the slow slippage in my ability to communicate with other, 'normal', people.

...Or heck, even with this one rl friend of mine, who is going through the exact same thing. I just sit there and stare forward half the time we are together, lost in my own personal hell and unable to speak.

...Okay, that was over dramatic. ^_^;;

So here I am now, getting ready to leave work and rambling because... well, I really don't know why. To explain where I have been and my last two posts, I guess. Or maybe because before it sometimes helped to try to get all of this down in writing. Describing the indescribable, I guess. Getting it off your chest.

I do know that...

I'm bored. I know that going home won't change this. I'll just be killing time refreshing web pages or playing with youtube again. Hoping something exciting or soothing might happen.

I'm scared. I don't want the above to happen (well, except for the 'exciting or soothing' part, natch) I don't want things to get any worse. I want to have a fun evening again, like the brief but wonderful Wednesday evening I had last week. When the cliff I have been teetering on seemed so far away.

I'm tired. I just want to sleep and sleep. It's hard to get errands done and my apartment is just a mess. Which makes me feel even worse. And doing things like spending my entire weekend sleeping is just plain sad.

I'm lonely. And after staring at the screen for about five minutes trying to figure out how to describe this feeling... I guess I don't want to talk about this either. Odd.

I've got to buck up. I have just spent a few months trying to convince everyone around me-- and myself-- that everything's totally fine and back to normal now. And for a while it was true.

-I'm- normal. Everything's Cool. Right.

Part of me wants to convince you, oh person who is reading this, of this right now. I think I know why, but I don't want to talk about that either. In any case--

I can handle this.

I don't know what else to say and I'm slightly afraid of digging myself into some sort of hole-- which might be a good thing as it means I don't think I have nothing left to lose-- so I guess this is me signing off. Time to walk on home.

Bye?

Still alive. Somehow. Not by any fault of my own, I assure you.

I hate it when life gives you these nice little 'life lessons'.

Kick a gal when she's down, why dontcha.

I give up.

...has actually turned out to be a pretty fun and good anime convention, despite being in its first year. :)

THE GOOD

I've made it to this day without missing any work or having any sort of anxiety attack, freakout, or crying fit at work (though I came close a time or two). All of this despite a slightly tense year-end review with my boss' boss.

Despite being out of meds (I am really really really broke. Like, 'WTF AM I GOING TO EAT NEXT WEEK?!' broke) I'm doing pretty well. Head's a little swimmy, but I think I'm doing amazingly well with no meds considering all the other stuff that's been heaped up on me this week. If I can make it through this, I can make it through anything, I guess?

I did some writing this week, tallying up thus far two crack drabbles (No link provided to save the minds of the innocent), a new chapter of Zoo Days and a new chapter of Inevi. All thanks to some old friends whom I haven't really spoken spoken to for a while casting some motivation my way. Thanks again, Tori, Winny, and the TTs.

On that note, I feel like I've made some headway as far as intrapersonal stuff goes, and also got some semi-reassuring consulation on some other notes. Maybe one day I can accept the past is over. That'll be hard though, since every day I prepare myself and once more forgive the hurt I've suffered. Partly because I hope one day this bad spell will end. I suppose I need to accept, but because it's over, not because I don't want it to be.

THE BAD

The whole break-up thing still has me reeling. Thank god it wasn't serious, we had just been seeing each other for a month, and hadn't even kissed or anything. I still go over things like her saying "I really like you." and how well our last date/meeting went and wondering "WTF happened?" but, as said, it wasn't too serious and I'm basically okay.

Work is still strange. I feel like a leper here. Like everyone is mad at me for being gone for so long this year-- and twice to boot! My first day back, none of my direct coworkers even said "Hi" to me, really, which really hurt. I'm also terrified of making a mistake and getting fired. So yeah, sorta stressful here.

My house is a MESS. A very bad mess. And somehow I can't find the motivation to fix it.

Otakon is coming up, and I can't afford it and might not be able to make it there due to other factors. Very few of my friends will be there, but Greg is going and I'd hate to both miss this Con I've gone to for the last decade but also to leave him by himself like that. Doing Cons alone is boring and sad. I just pray I'm able to make it.

Still feeling lonely and confused on some intrapersonal fronts. I've heard and had many experiences this week that has given me more food for thought, and I am sorta thinking about the whole mess obessively, which isn't good, but I can't seem to stop either. It's even disturbing my sleep. I'm glad things are totally bad, though, and that I do have some friends I can count on.

EDIT: I thought about it, and I guess I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around people. Like, all those close to me know I'm depressed and anxious and went to extensive treatment for it and I'm not only slightly embarassed, but also scared that they think I'm weird or crazy or a drain.

I feel like I have to be perfectly funny, charming, sweet, intelligent, and worth talking to, or I'll lose even more people in my life. And I don't even DARE talk about how I'm feeling, doing, or anything negative.

...Except for year, and with you wonderful people. *hugs* I think I'd go crazy without this journal.

I wrote fic, but I still feel super super super insecure about them, especially the new chapter of Inevi. I haven't gotten much feedback on the later, and I know it's the one with the high expectations from readers, so yeah, a little freaked. I'm glad I wrote it, but writing and posting something public and personal like fic can be a very raw experience, y' know?

...And I think that's about it.

Just musing, I guess. *hmmms, and returns to work, still lost in thought*

Breaking up with me via email? That's just cheap.

That Elke, the coworker of mine who died at a very young age during my medical leave, wasn't still on my afternoon mailrun, despite being, you know, dead. I almost cry whenever I see her desk, which they have left just as it was when she was alive, plus these wonderful (but sad) blow up pictures of her.

It's just really depressing. But there might be mail there.

I just keep expecting to see her or something, it's just so sad.

I've fallen victim to the Gaia virii and have an account there now if anyone is interested.

Username is, curiously enough, kytyngurl2.

Or you can go to my profile here. Even if you hate Gaia I got some cool vids linked in from the bottom, including a boss 41 minute documentary on ghosts.

Yes, I did just say 'boss'.

Ja!

Well, shortly after my post a month or so ago, I had a bad relapse of depression/anxiety, brought about by a series of shocks as far as intrapersonal relationships go as well as other factors.

Since then, I had been on medical leave from work while I tried to recover. It was fairly boring-- just a bunch of sitting around all day playing with the kitties and otherwise doing nothing since I was too depressed to do much. I did play some online games though!

I also went back to my partial hospital program, though I ended up not quite finishing it properly this time. I do think I got something out of it though, maybe as much benefit as I possibly hope to reap from a place like that.

Currently I am back at work, my first day back in about two months. Last night I was terrified, hence last night's post-- plus I was being introspective again about my intrapersonal relationships, which never helps. I guess I'll never be quite good with people? Or be able to keep friendships strong.

I feel lonely.

Anyways, here I am at work. It's not quite as bad as I dreaded. I feel like I'm in the doghouse here, but hopefully that feeling will pass. Ganbarimasu!

And that's it, I guess.

I wish I knew who my real friends were and weren't. I really wish I had someone to talk to about what I'm going through-- but I'm terrified now of being a burden or annoyance.

I'm also sorry for being gone for so long, I'll explain what has been happening in a future post, promise.

For you horror fans!

Enjoy!

Heck, have a video too.

And a game, since I love you guys.

I hate nights like this. They stand as a solid reminder that once, on nights like this, I had all these people that wanted to talk with me, and plot with me.

Now I just sit here alone and drink. And try not to think of how much a decent chunk of a fandom hates my guts.

Wheeeeee!

EDIT: Ah, who am I kidding? I wish I was dead. I wonder if I'd then be forgiven for my sins.

It's been almost two months now since my best friends suddenly ceased to speak/think of me (or at least decide to torture me) and it still hurts. I still toss and turn every night, berating myself for what I did to and cursing myself for what I didn't.

My other friends, the ones who still talk to me, they say "Get over it/them."

But I can't.

And you know what, maybe I don't want to. Not yet. I'm not the kind of person who devalues friendship and other people like that. I'm not the kind of person who can't forgive or who enjoys hurting others. I wouldn't do those sorts of horrible things.

And you know what? I'm glad.

No matter how careful I am, I keep messing things up-- for me and for others.

At this rate, I-- I dunno.

I just want it to stop but it seems to be out of my control. Maybe I should just stay away from people entirely. I'm no good at anything.

____, I'm sorry about my last message last night, I hope it didn't put you in a bad place. I was really down about the work thing and all the stress of the weekend, and felt really bad about that one LJ post of mine and feared you really would stop speaking to me again.

It does feel like we keep playing 'phone tag' since I'm so busy, you are busy, and my phone is dead.

As dreaded, I just got a warning talking to at work due to my attendence and the obviously distracted way my anxiety/depression has made me lately.

They told me to do what my doc says, said I could go on short term disability/back to being at the hospital part-time, but if I am going to be at work I gotta be 'fine'.

I told them about how hostile my co-workers are and said I wanted to transfer, we'll see if that happens. They promised to do something about it, and made a plan for me to improve at work. No transferring until I improve, of course.

I'm so scared. If I don't get better, I could lose my job-- and through that, everything else that hasn't already left me.

How can I get better?

What am I supposed to do now?