...has actually turned out to be a pretty fun and good anime convention, despite being in its first year. :)

THE GOOD

I've made it to this day without missing any work or having any sort of anxiety attack, freakout, or crying fit at work (though I came close a time or two). All of this despite a slightly tense year-end review with my boss' boss.

Despite being out of meds (I am really really really broke. Like, 'WTF AM I GOING TO EAT NEXT WEEK?!' broke) I'm doing pretty well. Head's a little swimmy, but I think I'm doing amazingly well with no meds considering all the other stuff that's been heaped up on me this week. If I can make it through this, I can make it through anything, I guess?

I did some writing this week, tallying up thus far two crack drabbles (No link provided to save the minds of the innocent), a new chapter of Zoo Days and a new chapter of Inevi. All thanks to some old friends whom I haven't really spoken spoken to for a while casting some motivation my way. Thanks again, Tori, Winny, and the TTs.

On that note, I feel like I've made some headway as far as intrapersonal stuff goes, and also got some semi-reassuring consulation on some other notes. Maybe one day I can accept the past is over. That'll be hard though, since every day I prepare myself and once more forgive the hurt I've suffered. Partly because I hope one day this bad spell will end. I suppose I need to accept, but because it's over, not because I don't want it to be.

THE BAD

The whole break-up thing still has me reeling. Thank god it wasn't serious, we had just been seeing each other for a month, and hadn't even kissed or anything. I still go over things like her saying "I really like you." and how well our last date/meeting went and wondering "WTF happened?" but, as said, it wasn't too serious and I'm basically okay.

Work is still strange. I feel like a leper here. Like everyone is mad at me for being gone for so long this year-- and twice to boot! My first day back, none of my direct coworkers even said "Hi" to me, really, which really hurt. I'm also terrified of making a mistake and getting fired. So yeah, sorta stressful here.

My house is a MESS. A very bad mess. And somehow I can't find the motivation to fix it.

Otakon is coming up, and I can't afford it and might not be able to make it there due to other factors. Very few of my friends will be there, but Greg is going and I'd hate to both miss this Con I've gone to for the last decade but also to leave him by himself like that. Doing Cons alone is boring and sad. I just pray I'm able to make it.

Still feeling lonely and confused on some intrapersonal fronts. I've heard and had many experiences this week that has given me more food for thought, and I am sorta thinking about the whole mess obessively, which isn't good, but I can't seem to stop either. It's even disturbing my sleep. I'm glad things are totally bad, though, and that I do have some friends I can count on.

EDIT: I thought about it, and I guess I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around people. Like, all those close to me know I'm depressed and anxious and went to extensive treatment for it and I'm not only slightly embarassed, but also scared that they think I'm weird or crazy or a drain.

I feel like I have to be perfectly funny, charming, sweet, intelligent, and worth talking to, or I'll lose even more people in my life. And I don't even DARE talk about how I'm feeling, doing, or anything negative.

...Except for year, and with you wonderful people. *hugs* I think I'd go crazy without this journal.

I wrote fic, but I still feel super super super insecure about them, especially the new chapter of Inevi. I haven't gotten much feedback on the later, and I know it's the one with the high expectations from readers, so yeah, a little freaked. I'm glad I wrote it, but writing and posting something public and personal like fic can be a very raw experience, y' know?

...And I think that's about it.

Just musing, I guess. *hmmms, and returns to work, still lost in thought*

Breaking up with me via email? That's just cheap.

That Elke, the coworker of mine who died at a very young age during my medical leave, wasn't still on my afternoon mailrun, despite being, you know, dead. I almost cry whenever I see her desk, which they have left just as it was when she was alive, plus these wonderful (but sad) blow up pictures of her.

It's just really depressing. But there might be mail there.

I just keep expecting to see her or something, it's just so sad.

I've fallen victim to the Gaia virii and have an account there now if anyone is interested.

Username is, curiously enough, kytyngurl2.

Or you can go to my profile here. Even if you hate Gaia I got some cool vids linked in from the bottom, including a boss 41 minute documentary on ghosts.

Yes, I did just say 'boss'.

Ja!

Well, shortly after my post a month or so ago, I had a bad relapse of depression/anxiety, brought about by a series of shocks as far as intrapersonal relationships go as well as other factors.

Since then, I had been on medical leave from work while I tried to recover. It was fairly boring-- just a bunch of sitting around all day playing with the kitties and otherwise doing nothing since I was too depressed to do much. I did play some online games though!

I also went back to my partial hospital program, though I ended up not quite finishing it properly this time. I do think I got something out of it though, maybe as much benefit as I possibly hope to reap from a place like that.

Currently I am back at work, my first day back in about two months. Last night I was terrified, hence last night's post-- plus I was being introspective again about my intrapersonal relationships, which never helps. I guess I'll never be quite good with people? Or be able to keep friendships strong.

I feel lonely.

Anyways, here I am at work. It's not quite as bad as I dreaded. I feel like I'm in the doghouse here, but hopefully that feeling will pass. Ganbarimasu!

And that's it, I guess.

I wish I knew who my real friends were and weren't. I really wish I had someone to talk to about what I'm going through-- but I'm terrified now of being a burden or annoyance.

I'm also sorry for being gone for so long, I'll explain what has been happening in a future post, promise.

For you horror fans!

Enjoy!

Heck, have a video too.

And a game, since I love you guys.

I hate nights like this. They stand as a solid reminder that once, on nights like this, I had all these people that wanted to talk with me, and plot with me.

Now I just sit here alone and drink. And try not to think of how much a decent chunk of a fandom hates my guts.

Wheeeeee!

EDIT: Ah, who am I kidding? I wish I was dead. I wonder if I'd then be forgiven for my sins.

It's been almost two months now since my best friends suddenly ceased to speak/think of me (or at least decide to torture me) and it still hurts. I still toss and turn every night, berating myself for what I did to and cursing myself for what I didn't.

My other friends, the ones who still talk to me, they say "Get over it/them."

But I can't.

And you know what, maybe I don't want to. Not yet. I'm not the kind of person who devalues friendship and other people like that. I'm not the kind of person who can't forgive or who enjoys hurting others. I wouldn't do those sorts of horrible things.

And you know what? I'm glad.

No matter how careful I am, I keep messing things up-- for me and for others.

At this rate, I-- I dunno.

I just want it to stop but it seems to be out of my control. Maybe I should just stay away from people entirely. I'm no good at anything.

____, I'm sorry about my last message last night, I hope it didn't put you in a bad place. I was really down about the work thing and all the stress of the weekend, and felt really bad about that one LJ post of mine and feared you really would stop speaking to me again.

It does feel like we keep playing 'phone tag' since I'm so busy, you are busy, and my phone is dead.

As dreaded, I just got a warning talking to at work due to my attendence and the obviously distracted way my anxiety/depression has made me lately.

They told me to do what my doc says, said I could go on short term disability/back to being at the hospital part-time, but if I am going to be at work I gotta be 'fine'.

I told them about how hostile my co-workers are and said I wanted to transfer, we'll see if that happens. They promised to do something about it, and made a plan for me to improve at work. No transferring until I improve, of course.

I'm so scared. If I don't get better, I could lose my job-- and through that, everything else that hasn't already left me.

How can I get better?

What am I supposed to do now?

And depressed. Tonight I miss them so much it makes me want to cut or do something equally as drastic.

And I know feeling/saying that is why I'm shunned.

God, I'm such a head-case.

EDIT: Also, I dread work with a fiery passion. I'm so nervous/scared about all the days I've missed due to vacations and health issues.

EDIT: At work now, not as bad as I dreaded. After a good night's sleep I feel a lot better. I guess the long weekend wore me down!

A) At Anime Central.
B) Still without phone and much 'net connection.
C) With a chipped ankle.(Long Story, will explain in a future post)
D) Okay.
E) In room 716 in the main hotel here if you'd like to visit and have some free booze. ;D

Ja!

It occurs to me, today, how long it's been since ___ or even you have spoken to me. Such a long time-- long enough for her to decide if she's mad enough for forever. Long enough maybe for the edge to come off for you as well? I guess I don't know.

If she's still mad now, if you still can't bring yourself to speak to me without it hurting... it's over, isn't it? Our friendship. If she's still mad, she's never going to not be mad. It won't be the same. And the rest of you guys won't want me around if she doesn't like me. Admit it, it's true, isn't it?

If I'm right... can't she do the decent thing and say goodbye? Or something... I don't know.

I'm just hanging here, and I'm starting to think it's by a noose.

PS: My phone is dead, in case you missed the previous post. My email works though. And my work phone, if you want it. Plus I'll be on YIM tonight.

I'm having a really really bad spell right now and am stuck at work no less. Work where I'm sorta being bullied, exhausted, and really haunted by the memories of the friends who no longer speak to me.

Ugh.

I hope I can get through this.

EDIT: In case some of you have been worrying/wondering where I was last week:

a) I left my cell phone charger in NoVa and thus can't use it.
b) Have ended up with a babysitting job each night of the week, so I was no where near my computer.

...Sorry about that!

I'm back from Virginia now, more on the wedding and stuff later. Sorry I haven't posted-- No internet there, really. Which sucks. T_T

Anyways, feeling pretty good right now, though slightly worried about some money and work related issues.