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Baaack!

Did a mega-epic road trip through the wilds of Wisconsin. Dealt with some BF!family stuff, met some great friends we haven't seen in a while, got 2 brewery tours in, spent waaay to much on expensive limited-edition beer, bought fancy cheese, and abused my iPhone once more.

Good times, man, good times.

I'm back

No, really, I am back now. Yes, I'm a loooot better, things are different now... and different in a good way. I'm not going to say I'm skipping through fields (I mean, it's still snowy out there) but totally a lot better and fairly happy.

I'm trying to tweak up this journal to get rid of some of the embarrassing personal stuff from my bad times a few years ago, so don't mind if old entries suddenly go all invisible (I'm keeping them as a reminder to be strong!)

I'm currently over in the Vocaloid fandom, RPing like a madfiend.

HOWEVER!

I haven't forgot TMNT or FMA, and will try to finish and tweak my works in both fandoms when I get the chance. Esp for you TMNT folks, I don't intend to leave you hanging Re: Inevi and Zoo Days.

Hope everyone is having a great day! <3

Oh no

Last night the cats managed to pop out the screen from my (very very cheap) window and Chiriko escaped. It's been over 12 hours since I've seen her and I'm keeping my eye on the window, awaiting her safe return.

Please please be okay, honey.

EDIT:

I went out to search for her and heard loud meowing, asking this group of children clustered at the end of a parking lot not far from my apartment if they had seen a cat, they pointed up onto a rooftop. Chiriko was up there and freaking out.

After two hours of fruitless attempts to climb the tree by the roof, ask people for help, ask the fire department for help, and other such things-- I lucked out as a Comcast installer came by with a ladder atop his truck. Though it was probably against company policy to do so, he set up his ladder and rescued my cat within minutes.

Chiriko's safe and sound and climbing on my desk right now.

Now hopefully work won't slaughter me for missing a day to deal with this mess.

Kitty photos

Kakkoi-Con

...has actually turned out to be a pretty fun and good anime convention, despite being in its first year. :)

There's a Kyt everywhere now!

Week thus far

THE GOOD

I've made it to this day without missing any work or having any sort of anxiety attack, freakout, or crying fit at work (though I came close a time or two). All of this despite a slightly tense year-end review with my boss' boss.

Despite being out of meds (I am really really really broke. Like, 'WTF AM I GOING TO EAT NEXT WEEK?!' broke) I'm doing pretty well. Head's a little swimmy, but I think I'm doing amazingly well with no meds considering all the other stuff that's been heaped up on me this week. If I can make it through this, I can make it through anything, I guess?

I did some writing this week, tallying up thus far two crack drabbles (No link provided to save the minds of the innocent), a new chapter of Zoo Days and a new chapter of Inevi. All thanks to some old friends whom I haven't really spoken spoken to for a while casting some motivation my way. Thanks again, Tori, Winny, and the TTs.

On that note, I feel like I've made some headway as far as intrapersonal stuff goes, and also got some semi-reassuring consulation on some other notes. Maybe one day I can accept the past is over. That'll be hard though, since every day I prepare myself and once more forgive the hurt I've suffered. Partly because I hope one day this bad spell will end. I suppose I need to accept, but because it's over, not because I don't want it to be.

THE BAD

The whole break-up thing still has me reeling. Thank god it wasn't serious, we had just been seeing each other for a month, and hadn't even kissed or anything. I still go over things like her saying "I really like you." and how well our last date/meeting went and wondering "WTF happened?" but, as said, it wasn't too serious and I'm basically okay.

Work is still strange. I feel like a leper here. Like everyone is mad at me for being gone for so long this year-- and twice to boot! My first day back, none of my direct coworkers even said "Hi" to me, really, which really hurt. I'm also terrified of making a mistake and getting fired. So yeah, sorta stressful here.

My house is a MESS. A very bad mess. And somehow I can't find the motivation to fix it.

Otakon is coming up, and I can't afford it and might not be able to make it there due to other factors. Very few of my friends will be there, but Greg is going and I'd hate to both miss this Con I've gone to for the last decade but also to leave him by himself like that. Doing Cons alone is boring and sad. I just pray I'm able to make it.

Still feeling lonely and confused on some intrapersonal fronts. I've heard and had many experiences this week that has given me more food for thought, and I am sorta thinking about the whole mess obessively, which isn't good, but I can't seem to stop either. It's even disturbing my sleep. I'm glad things are totally bad, though, and that I do have some friends I can count on.

EDIT: I thought about it, and I guess I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around people. Like, all those close to me know I'm depressed and anxious and went to extensive treatment for it and I'm not only slightly embarassed, but also scared that they think I'm weird or crazy or a drain.

I feel like I have to be perfectly funny, charming, sweet, intelligent, and worth talking to, or I'll lose even more people in my life. And I don't even DARE talk about how I'm feeling, doing, or anything negative.

...Except for year, and with you wonderful people. *hugs* I think I'd go crazy without this journal.

I wrote fic, but I still feel super super super insecure about them, especially the new chapter of Inevi. I haven't gotten much feedback on the later, and I know it's the one with the high expectations from readers, so yeah, a little freaked. I'm glad I wrote it, but writing and posting something public and personal like fic can be a very raw experience, y' know?

...And I think that's about it.

Just musing, I guess. *hmmms, and returns to work, still lost in thought*

YOU'RE KIDDING

Breaking up with me via email? That's just cheap.

I wish...

That Elke, the coworker of mine who died at a very young age during my medical leave, wasn't still on my afternoon mailrun, despite being, you know, dead. I almost cry whenever I see her desk, which they have left just as it was when she was alive, plus these wonderful (but sad) blow up pictures of her.

It's just really depressing. But there might be mail there.

I just keep expecting to see her or something, it's just so sad.

On a more light-hearted note

I've fallen victim to the Gaia virii and have an account there now if anyone is interested.

Username is, curiously enough, kytyngurl2.

Or you can go to my profile here. Even if you hate Gaia I got some cool vids linked in from the bottom, including a boss 41 minute documentary on ghosts.

Yes, I did just say 'boss'.

Ja!